ten years.

in memory of my mom, patti jo knoer, who we lost on august 23, 2004

Ten years. It sounds like a really long time, and most of the time it feels that way. But sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all. There are plenty of days that I forget for a split second that she’s not here. How many times over these last ten years have I wanted to call and tell her about something that’s happened? Countless.

There are so many little, seemingly random things that will hit me with a wave of nostalgia for her…

the taste and smell of a really good midsummer tomato

seeing wildflowers on the side of the road (which i know she would have stopped to pick)

hearing 90’s country songs on the radio… especially patty loveless and the judds

the smells of vacations to warm places… coconut oil, sunscreen, warm salty air and fishing piers

I miss her every day. I hate that she’s not here anymore to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. She was such a wonderful woman – people have said this about her countless times and I know with certainty that they all mean it. She loved people and she was so well loved. I can only hope to be half as kind, loving, compassionate, and hard working as she was.

I feel sad that we didn’t get the chance to know each other as more than mother and baby, child, (bratty) teenage daughter. I hope that we would be friends, and go on vacations together, and cook holiday meals and have cookie baking marathons and call each other nearly every day. I hate that I can’t perfectly recall what her voice sounded like. I wish I had gotten to ask her so many questions about her life and her opinions and her thoughts. I hate that she didn’t get to meet my husband, and that she won’t get to know our children someday.

Most of the time the happy memories outweigh the sadness. And some days, even this many years later, how badly I wish she was still here is overwhelming. But I know she wouldn’t want us to live our lives in grief and darkness. She would want us to be kind, to be happy, to go play outside, to eat our vegetables, to travel, to recycle, to care, and to stop and pick the wildflowers. And that is what I intend to do.

mom 2

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